Mr Omneo Blogs…

I was quite excited about this weekend. Amy from Australia has been in the UK since 21 April and I was looking forward to seeing her, for the first time since 1999.

I first met Amy back in 1999 while I was working at the Leopard Lounge nightclub in Fulham Broadway. It’s quite strange, I still remember the night, not all that clearly as i had been drinking as well as consuming drugs before work but I remember being in th Slug & Lettuce pub next door to the club before I was due to start having a few drinks and generally getting myself in the mood for work. Amy was there with a group of friends and I just remember seeing her and thinking she was gorgeous, long dark hair and very attractive, she also had a very sexy ‘husky’ voice. We got chatting and I persuaded her and her friends to come to the club, I ‘think’ we kissed or if we didn’t I told her I wanted to.. my how bold I get with a few drinks… I’m very much like the line in a Bob Dylan song… “If I’d have thought about it, I never would have done it” I do however remember while I was working leaning over the bar, in between serving customers, to kiss her and thinking life was good. I gave her my number and she called me and we went out for coffee and a trip to the police station because she had to report something lost, a mobile phone or something. Anyway, that was the last I saw of her, sober I was too shy/embarrassed to say or do anything – I’ve never really asked her what she thought about that time.

Anyway, we’ve kept in contact via email, MSN and the occasional phone call and last year she told me she was planning on moving to France to live and work and so it was that in April she arrived in the UK en route. We were due to meet this weekend, she emailed me on Friday to let me know she was staying in London and was catching up with friends and I told her I hoped to see her on Sunday. So I waited for her to call but alas, nothing. I check my email at around 8.20pm to find an email from her, she had tried to send me a text message but had no reply.. I checked the phone… zilch…nada… She was going to be at a bar in Westbourne Park a good 90mins from me or possibly longer as there were engineering works… I was annoyed. I sent her a text but no reply so I called her. Seems funny to have to call her Australian mobile number, to have the call sent back from Australia to a West London location. It turns out she is leaving for France tomorrow

I pondered, could I make it to the bar before it closed? nah.. a pointless waste of time I told myself but fuck it, I quickly shaved and headed out the door, got to Walthamstow got on the train to Warren Street and waited for a bus to take me closer to where she was… and so i waited and waited and waited…. Sunday service in a major capital city… pffftt!! With no idea if the bar would stay open later than 10.30pm (usual Sunday closing time) I headed back home and here I sit with a whisky and ginger beer typing this and wondering if fate is telling me that Amy and I are not destined to meet any time soon but as i said to her, it’s been 6yrs now, what difference does another year make?

So, there we have it, something I’ve been looking forward to for about a year gone in a puff of smoke… seems that now she’s over here our mobile networks refuse to transmit text messages and who says technology makes life easier??
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**UPDATE**

Amy emailed me today (Wednesday) it transpires she stayed out till 3am so we could have met up in the end, just a pity I couldn’t get through to her mobile when I tried calling about 11pm…c’est la vie!

She’s now in Paris and has found a place to live so just needs a job now. I guess I’ve now found a reason to return to Paris, wonder if she’ll let me crash on her floor if I go to watch the Arsenal v Barcelona match on French tv??

So gentle readers, it’s Saturday (or at least it’s Saturday here as I type this) and what have you accomplished? perhaps you didn’t set out to accomplish anything other than sleep off the hangover you picked up last night knowing that you didn’t have to go to work until Tuesday (assuming of course you have a bank holiday like we do here in the UK)

Well, I accomplished a few things I’d set out to do. I didn’t sleep as late as i wanted to. I’ve been watching Prison Break after a few people told me it was a good series and as I don’t watch TV I figured it’s about time I saw for myself at least one of the programmes I get told about. It’s really quite addictive, not helped by me downloading episodes 1-19 and therefore being able to watch one after the other without the usual 7 day wait! Last night I stayed up till 2am and finished episode 12. I thought, foolishly, that I’d sleep till around noon but as it happened I couldn’t keep myself in bed much after 10am. Did a few loads of laundry, answered some emails, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom floors and generally had a bit of a clean-fest before having a shower and making lunch.

I’m still going through this ‘where is my life taking me’ period. Went out on Thursday night with Chris to see Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. It was a superb gig. Although the Watson girls are twins, one of them (the shorter of the two) reminded me so much of Yvonne Bailey, a girl I went to school with who I had a bit of a crush on. Sometimes it feels that almost 20 years on I’m still thinking about girls I once knew and wondering ‘what if’ Actually with Yvonne there was no ‘what if’ she knew I fancied her and she wasn’t interested but school days were fun with me flirting with her knowing she was never going to say yes. I guess I just wonder what happened with her and her life.

I’ve managed to lead a pretty busy/eventful life since leaving Glasgow but nevertheless i wonder what life would be like if I had made a few changes along the way. I still have this ‘hang up’ when it comes to casual sex, I just don’t like it and have spent most of the past 10-15yrs avoiding it. Other than a dalliance with Julia from Manchester in October last year it’s been almost 4yrs since I ‘got my end away’ Sometimes even I wonder what is going on in my head as i turn down offers of sex with girls who I find attractive… It’s almost as if I’ve spent so long doing without that I seem, subconsciously at least, to believe that the person i say yes to should be worth it… but I have no idea how to tell the worth so I just seem to just walking this lonely road and believe me, it is lonely.

Most of my life I’ve been content to walk alone and to all extents and purposes I don’t mind but I do have this nagging fear that as i lie on my deathbed (Yes, i assume I’ll die in bed) I’ll spend my final moments wondering why it is I’m there alone with perhaps a nurse waiting to reclaim the hi-tech gadgetry that is stuck in my veins.

the thing is… after so many years alone, how do you even begin to open up when you have such a fear of being hurt by those you let in?

So, I woke at 4am to discover I was crying. Yes, that’s right, crying as in tears rolling down my face and soaking the pillow. I’d been having a dream, as is always the way, I remember only a little of it, what I do remember is I was wrapping a present for a girl of around 6 or 7. There was a book and something else in the package, I don’t remember what exactly but it was square and reasonably thin, say a picture or a mirror in a frame. I don’t remember who the girl was but she entered the room while I was trying to wrap it and caught me by surprise and asked what I was doing and I remember saying, “Nothing” and her asking me if I was lying to her and feeling incredibly guilty because I was lying but I knew I couldn’t tell her I was wrapping a gift for her, so I lied again and said, “No, I’m not lying to you” and then after a few minutes she left and went back to wrapping the package and looking down at the wrapping paper and seeing my tears drop onto it and each tear started to dissolve the paper and I was frantically trying to stop the paper from disappearing and I couldn’t stop crying. Then I woke up and discovered I was crying in my sleep.

I wonder if dreams really mean something or if they are just dreams?

I’ve been thinking lately about my life, what I want in it and what I want from it. I’m not sure I want much. I don’t really have any great desire to be excessively wealthy, sure money would be nice but I’m not sure I want a lot. I also wondered if I could be content to have no children after spending most of my life wanting them. It often feels, both as a child and as an adult that the more I wished for something the less likelihood I had of ever achieving it. If I met a girl and went to bed fantasising of kissing her and holding her tight, you could rest assured that within the week she’d confide in me that she was crazy for one of my friends or that she had met a really great guy. Often the real killer was that the really great guy was, “just like you Marc, I know you’ll really like him” Until now I’ve never tried to explain just how heart wrenching it is to hear that and I’ve heard it more times than any person should. At times I wonder if it’s either a punishment for something I did in a past life or if it’s destined that I should suffer in this way for this lifetime on the basis that next time round I’ll get the girl, have the kids, enjoy the family holidays and generally live the life I thought I’d have now. Sometimes I think I think too much.

Can you know someone without meeting them? If you search back in this blog there is probably an entry or six which goes into detail of various people I’ve ‘known’ some in real life, some only via telephone and IM. Each time it fails to work out as it seems it might and each time I swear ‘never again’… until the next time. I often get accused of being a cynical bastard and possibly I am, but I am also the most romantically inclined cynic that walked the earth, I want to love and be loved yet my experience has shown that it’s almost impossible to expect to achieve that. Yet even now, I want to prove myself wrong but I also don’t want to get hurt again. What the fuck do I do? I wish someone had the answer to that question, just so I knew. If I found a magic lamp and a genie popped out offering three wishes, to hell with all three, just answer me that one question oh magical genie… just one little question

So, just reading the BBC website news and I was beside myself with laughter at the closing paragraph of this article on Iran’s nuclear programme.

Iran insists its nuclear programme is for civilian energy purposes only. The US and several other nations say they do not believe this.

So, Iraq said it had no weapons of mass destruction, the US said, “We don’t believe you” they ensured that a coalition entered Iraq and decimated a lot of it only to find out…. Iraq really didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction, or if they did (as some Americans still insist) they were of the vanishing variety. Now is it me or is it déja-vu? Because American doesn’t believe something it has some right to just throw it’s toys out of its pram and barge on in with both barrels blazing?

When people accuse America of having ulterior motives in it’s actions they cry out, “If you’re not with us you’re against us!” yet they never seem to consider they may just be wrong? Sure George, go in and invade Iran but don’t be surprised if they don’t roll over like Saddam and if they do have weapons, unlike Saddam, don’t be surprised if they use them. You may be on some ‘mission from God’ but do me a favour and keep him/her/it to yourself. You’ve ensured the early deaths of enough people as it is without actually making the world any ‘safer’ so why assume invading another country just because you don’t believe them will stop the death toll mounting?? If we assume from the facts we’ve gleaned i.e. Saddam/Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction, have we really made the world safer? Saddam wasn’t interested in throwing his weight about outside Iraq, he tried with Kuwait and failed so was content to be a big fish in a small pond, Bush on the other hand seems intent on showing his ‘pappy’ just what a monkey he really is.

In other news it rained again today, however I’m thankful I had the foresight to bring my washing in before I left for my course this morning otherwise I’d be left with clothes wetter than when I put them out, perhaps it was because I didn’t believe the weather forecast?!

Well, it’s suddenly Sunday again. I wonder often where the time goes, sometimes I wish it would all end now as I don’t really know what the future holds. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not wishing I were dead or for the world to suddenly combust, well… maybe I am actually?! I’m just tired… tired of days merging into weeks, into months, into years and nothing ever seeming to change.

When I was 15 I thought I had it all figured out, by the time I reached 30 I’d be enjoying 2 holidays a year with my wife and we’d have at least one child with plans for more. By the time I was 25 I realised that perhaps that wasn’t going to happen as I seemed to be on a road of refusing to date. When I reached 30 I started to wonder if I would ever experience the thrill of raising my own kids. Of course by that stage I was more than aware that it was very possible that when (if?) I settle down, I may not have kids of my own as my partner may already have children and desire no more. I don’t think that would bother me too much tho I’d hope that there were more than one child… I’m really not sure an only child is good, either for the child or for it’s parents. As the years drift on i wonder still if the whole settling down thing is ever going to happen. Some people have no desire to settle down, for them the thought of kids and partners holds no appeal but for me it does. The more I hear of friends having children the more I ponder just where did I go wrong. I’m the one who always wanted kids and yet I have so far managed to avoid getting involved with anyone, thus restricting the chance of fatherhood. I also get sick of people telling me that it’s, “OK, you’re a guy! you can have kids at any age!” well, as much as that’s true, i have no desire to be fathering children when I’m in my 50′s, i want to be able to enjoy fatherhood and that means not being some decrepit old fool who lacks the breath to play games with the kids when they are still at an age to not find their parents too embarrassing!

So, what brought about this blog? I was discussing with a friend the sadness I’m feeling right now because I miss having someone to kiss! Just that simple pleasure, often under-rated but so very enjoyable an act. I just don’t envisage kissing anyone I know right now and that thought makes me sad. It’s been a long time since I enjoyed the pleasure of a slow and burning embrace.

In other news, I’m on yet another IT course and quietly dreading it as i seem to be incapable of taking everything in, perhaps it’s age, perhaps it’s too many years of booze, perhaps it’s too many drugs, perhaps I’m just stoopid?! Whatever the reason, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, i just didn’t expect it to be this hard! Quite possibly i should have aimed at getting a job that was more ‘hands on’ IT so that the stuff I’m learning wasn’t so new to me!

I went out on Friday night with Lucia and Daniel Anthony to the Tabernacle, it was a good night albeit a little on the quiet side. Dominique was there with her new man and I met a couple of new people, including Lorraine who had a great many stories to tell. The night got a little messy and I awoke at 1pm on Dan’s sofa, it was a beautiful day and the journey home was one of those journeys that just seemed so perfect, it was just a shame to come home to an empty house.

Oh well, time for bed. To all you silent readers out there, thanks for your time