Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning or when I go to bed at night, I lie there and become aware of the silence. Not the silence of the room or the lack of noise from outside but the silence in my head. When I was much more active in yoga and meditation I remember striving to get that ‘inner quiet’ and now find it a little amusing that it sometimes comes to me without me wishing it. It can be quite addictive tho, just lying there and savouring the whole nothingness, so much so that I’ve often found myself rushing into the shower as I try to get out the house to work without being late and thus incurring the wrath of da management.

It’s probably true what recent reports have started to indicate, with all the new ways of keeping in touch both socially and work wise, we’re living busier and busier lives, sleeping less and thus becoming more stressed. With the advent of mobiles and email we were easier to get hold of and that not only increased our productivity but also our stress levels, not to mention huge increases in profits for companies, many of whom forgot to filter down those increases to the workers, rather the shareholders got the rewards for others hard work – but this isn’t a blog about the injustices of the capitalist system, the communist way wasn’t any better. More recently we now have email on our mobiles and most people have an account with at least one social networking site, both of which eat into what little ‘free’ time we may have. Suddenly sleep becomes the last thing on our minds and that’s a shame, I love sleeping. I also love waking up, especially on the weekend, and just lying there, knowing I have nothing to do and really enjoying the laziness that I can allow myself. My bed suddenly becomes a stress free zone, an armour plated tank which shields me from the outside world. I wonder how many people wake up and jump out of bed and get busy with household chores without ever contemplating the calm they could bring to their day by allowing themselves just 15 minutes lying in bed to enjoy the silence?

So, sleep aside I’ve been trying to do what man (and woman) has been doing for generations, figuring out the opposite sex. Okay, perhaps not the entire opposite sex, I don’t have that much time as it is; just the few members I know at the moment.

You’ll recall I mentioned a couple of girls I had met recently (if you can’t, flick back a few posts) Well it’s safe to say that what is said is not what is meant. Girl number 1, who agreed to meet for a drink obviously didn’t really mean it as the three attempts I made at actually agreeing a date for the drink came to nothing. I wondered if this is a gender issue or a personal issue. I don’t know many men who would agree to go for a drink if asked by a girl and then turn down every date offered and just ignore a request to, “pick a date that suits you!” Girl number 2 was equally as perplexing. After the first meeting where she said we should meet again she avoided all questions on when we would actually meet instead a game of text ping-pong has been played during which she has informed me of at least one date she’s been on, which for the record she said was going well “Hmmm…” I thought, “If she’s telling me this, it obviously shows she sees nothing happening between us, move along mr omneo and forget about her” Then out of the blue I get a text asking if I want to meet for dinner?!

I should probably have waited before replying but I said, “yes, sure lets meet for eats.” With the benefit of hindsight I should perhaps not have bothered. I get the impression I’m a last call ‘space filler’ why else would she get in touch now? Whenever I text her suggesting a drink I either get no reply or a reply hours later? It would seem that after one meeting I’m already consigned to the bin labelled ‘potential friend; nothing more‘. Nothing wrong with friends you might say but I already have a few good ones and see some of them little enough as it is.

As I mention to a couple of friends lately, the whole ‘dating many’ just doesn’t appeal to me. Going through all that crap of dressing myself up to try and look enticing physically and mentally to someone is not what I live for. I already know I have no future in sales so selling myself is too much of a chore, perhaps if I know someone is interested I’d be a little more enthusiastic but otherwise I just can’t get into it, I’ve little desire myself to hear what I think my aspirations for the future are as well as my recollections of my past and so if the other party is not really interested, what is there to talk about? Perhaps I will have to buy a TV after all so I can keep up to date with the pseudo dramas created by script writers to take our minds of the dramas of our own lives?

Actually, the response from a female friend when I discussed girl number 2 was quite insightful, here’s what she had to say…

“it is called paradox of choice. I get called fussy because I know precisely what I want and move on quickly away from almost every guy I meet. I never was the “let’s try and see how it works out” sort of gal. It is how it is, I cannot help that at all. I still believe that when the right guy comes, I will know straight away. It has been like that before so I know that is how it is. It is just that, in the meantime, sifting through is fucking dull and frustrating, not to mention time consuming.

Not sure what to tell you about your girl, sounds like she is not interested and is basically just afraid of being on her own, hence calling you when she probably has a bit of time free and freaks out. Have met people like that. Not sure, I always felt, as a child, that grown ups know what they are doing, and now I see that they don’t. In fact, the older one gets, the more complicated the life becomes.”

It’s unlike me to actually agree with this friend but occasionally I do and this is one of them. Any way, we shall see if tomorrows ‘date’ actually transpires. Actually, what makes something ‘a date’?! If someone you’ve only met once before says, “are you around for a spot of chow?” is that a date or is it just err… going out for a spot of chow? And who decides these things? Is there an encyclopaedia of terminology which covers the whole language of dating detailing the various contexts in which words might be used? If so, can someone send me the ISBN so I can order my copy from Amazon!

Of course, as ever this entries musical interlude shares the theme, turn up your speakers and listen to Ewan Pearson’s extended remix of Depeche Mode’s…. Enjoy The Silence!

OK, another of those ‘reflective’ blogs coming up. Probably more for my own benefit than anyone reading this so feel free to skip to the end for the musical interlude if you don’t really give a fuck what I have to say about myself, my life or anything to do with me; I assure you I won’t care

So, I made mention of a ‘date’ I went on with a most enchanting girl who appeared to like me. Now, while most people would be wondering why I am not focusing on the fact that a girl 12 years my junior thinks I am fascinating and why I am not laying the groundwork to sweep her off her feet and into my bed, I have to admit the one thing that I came away from that date thinking was more how much I’ve wasted my own life. OK, I know that’s a bit more melodramatic than it is, at 36 I’m hardly washed up and hung out to dry but believe me, that’s currently how I feel for about 25 percent of the waking day and as I average 5 hours sleep that means I spend more time thinking I’m going nowhere fast than I do sleeping! It’s all very well me living by my adopted motto of “Don’t take your worries to bed” but if such a huge chunk of my waking hours are spent worrying it surely defeats the purpose of the motto?! Maybe I should just sleep more and then things would balance out?? Hmmm…there’s a thought!

I’ve spent the weekend thinking back to my life aged 24, I was managing an admin office in Slough (for my sins) after being promoted over my boss to set up the department and then one morning I woke up and decided I was sick of working 15 hour days, going in at weekends for no pay just to get the job done and getting no thanks for it; OK I was getting a good salary, it was only 10 years later when I was getting the same salary that I realised just how good it was, but I gave it up to temp ‘for a few months’ which turned out to be 7 years. But a lot happened in those 7 years. I travelled across the globe and spent a year in Sydney, I re-acquainted myself with a friend I had met whilst travelling thru Europe at 19, I returned to the UK with great ideas of going to Uni and getting that ‘holy grail’ degree which would allow me to emigrate out of the UK into a sunnier climate. I took a shit job with an investment bank to save the money to fund my way thru a 6 week math course which would decide if I got onto the Uni course, got offered a trainee dealers position 2 weeks before I was due to start the course and turned down a starting salary of £35k because I didn’t want to turn out like the arrogant, but rich, twats I worked with. All I had to do was study math for 6 weeks, sit a test and get 75% and I was in… I got 95% and was ecstatic. Even more ecstatic were William & Cleeve who finally got full possession of their sofa, where I had been sleeping for the previous3 months

But everything fell flat when I moved into a flat in Brixton and discovered at 26 the joys of pharmaceuticals… hello 36 hour sessions of Tekken 3, goodbye degree, hello massive build up of debt, goodbye life as I knew it.

However, can I say I’d change it all if I had the chance to do it all again? Of course not, I’ve met and made some good, dear friends. I’ve discovered good and bad things about myself and at the end of the day I’ve made to 36 and I’m still fairly sane, more than can be said of many.

I watched Knocked Up at the weekend. The first hour of it irritated the shit out of me, so I switched it off and went to bed and watched the rest on Sunday. Gradually I started to warm to it, perhaps the idea of a young, pretty successful woman falling for a lazy, layabout, fat bastard wasn’t so preposterous after all? Perhaps it was a sign, telling me that I shouldn’t assume that every girl wants a rich go-getter husband anyway? I mean I’ve already thrown my bong away, so I’ve made a start, I just need to find the pretty, young successful girl and work on getting her pregnant

Right, I really can’t be bothered writing any more so it’s time for the musical interlude, if you’ve read this far you deserve this track, if you just skipped down here on my earlier advice, say hello to the Groovefinder remix of Nina Simone’s Ain’t Got No, I Got Life

Did you know that today is Free Hug Day? Well, it’s not a recognised event as such but seems to have been started by a guy called Alex Schaffer on FaceBook. Here’s what he had to say about his reasoning behind it…

The Reason for the date,

September 10th is the day before 9/11. We will all sit down on that day and think about the tragedies that have befallen this world, we will think of the twin towers, of the Iraq war, of the terrorist attacks all over the world. We will think to ourselves…what has this world come to? where has the good gone. That is why I created this event, so when you do ask yourself that, you think about all the hugs you had received the day before and you think to yourself that there is love left.
I want people to be reminded that this world has a great amount of good left in it, and that it should never be forgotten.

Well, whether you agree with his reasoning or not, everyone likes to give and receive a hug so I for one will be offering hugs to all and sundry, except maybe my boss cos I’m not sure he would appreciate it!

Musically I thought that Everyday by the Dave Matthews Band would be the most appropriate and even more so if you see the video so sit back and draw inspiration

Well, it feels like an age since I blogged. Wait! It HAS been an age since I blogged, why does this not surprise me? Actually, I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you either, especially if you are one of the regular visitors who have told me either in person, on the phone or via email that I haven’t blogged since July. Funny, I never noticed I hadn’t been blogging

So, what’s been keeping me so pre-occupied that I have forsaken this medium for disseminating my dislike of both Lilly Allen and Rupert ‘Australian Bastard American’ Murdoch? Well, I’m not really sure I know the answer myself. I recently stopped smoking marijuana, which I have to say I didn’t find at all difficult, but I do miss that feeling of getting high… well, the initial feeling. I don’t miss the way I used to find 6 hours had passed and all I had achieved was to eat the contents of the fridge whilst watching a couple of hours of badly acted porn. Now I have a full fridge but I’m still searching for some better acted porn

I have been going out a little bit more than I did before, no doubt a direct result of not staying home stoned, now I sit around thinking, “What the fuck am I gonna do with myself?!” Like a lot of people I have become a convert of FaceBook and that in itself has helped as there are quite a few sociable people on there who are quite happy to meet in real life… Yes that’s right, SHOCK! HORROR! people who’ve met online meeting in real life for reasons other than casual sex (OK, some of that goes on as well but would you have believed me if I’d denied it anyway?) I’ve been meeting ‘online’ people ‘offline’ for a vast number of years and I don’t quite see what it is that people have such a hangup about. I’ve probably met more weirdos in bars and clubs than I have from the internet but everyone’s different and as long as you’re happy in your comfort zone who’s to say who’s right and who’s wrong… there IS no right or wrong, just differing perceptions; feel free to disagree

So, let’s get to the meat of this post, you know, the bit where I give an insight to my life past, present and quite possibly future. Let’s face it, everyone thinks everyone else’s life is somehow more interesting than their own, why else would millions of people around the world watch Big Bruvver and read Hello?!

I was a lousy dater. I’m trying to be better. When I say lousy I mean I wasn’t very good at it. Most people I know who are dating, in a non monogamous way, seem to quite happily manage to go out with 2, 3 or sometimes more people in a week/month and only when they’ve weighed up the pros and cons of each person then decide who it is they want to ‘go steady’ with. I was always crap at it. For some reason i could never feel comfortable going out on a ‘date’ with more than one person at a time, to see other people was akin to cheating in my mind. even when i knew the person I was going out with was seeing other people I still didn’t feel comfortable doing likewise. Don’t ask me why, I have no fricking idea why I am that way, I just know I am.. or was.. I’m trying to change and it would appear that at 36 (yes, I’ve had another birthday) I’ve now decided that resistance in futile… I cannot buck the trend, I have to assimilate…

I met up with a few people I know from FaceBook in De Hems, the best Dutch pub outside the Netherlands, for their ‘Dutch Party Night’ things started late as there was soccer on TV, so no party could start till that was over and if you had heard the state of the DJ you’d have started to wish the match had gone to extra time! However, as I sat there, supping my drink I noticed a girl in the group who was, quite literally, breathtakingly beautiful. Whilst I couldn’t take my eyes off her I was also aware that she was probably thinking I was some sort of stalker as every time she looked over I hurriedly looked at the floor… Needless to say, after a few more drinks I forgot that I was shy and we started to converse. With hindsight I accept I perhaps had a few drinks too many as I forgot most of what we talked about, however I do remember stepping on her toes at some point and then, for reasons best known to myself, I proceeded to get down on my knees, removed her shoe and kissed her foot by means of an apology, despite her telling me it was all sweaty, nothing a quick wipe didn’t solve I’m now trying to persuade her to come out for a drink with me, she’s sort of agreed but seems to want to wait another month, possibly she’s hoping I forget and give up… Doesn’t she know? resistance is futile!

Then, just the other day an impromptu drink was organised, or rather suggested by someone I have long thought utterly gorgeous but never considered as anything but a fantasy as it would have meant, as a colleague might say, me punching above my weight. However, being a firm believer in you gotta give everything a go so you’re not left wondering, “What if?” I agreed and in the end only she and I were the two out. OH. MY. GOODNESS. She was not only mesmerisingly beautiful but she was intelligent, witty, amusing and talked more than me! If I’m honest I doubt I really stand much of a chance as she did tell me she dated a lot and I would imagine that most of the men she dates are far more solvent than me and whilst money isn’t everything, it sure helps in London. On the plus side, she does like pubs over bars and she likes pub quizzes! Oh and she did say we should meet again, so I guess maybe I was wrong to assume she wouldn’t want to see me again… we’ll see what happens.

Dating… it’s all so alien a concept to me, how did I manage to get to 36 without having to do it? Why didn’t I date when I was younger? then things would be easier, wouldn’t they? OK, perhaps dating is never easy, that’s why they sell mumbo jumbo books of common sense for $99 or your money back within 30 days if you don’t get laid… but lets face it, anyone can get laid, it’s that something extra we’re all after.

Anyway, my tub of Belgian chocolate Haagen-Dazs is finished and that was the sole motivator for this blog entry, so now that it’s gone, the words have dried up (OK, that’s a lie but I want to watch a film I downloaded before it’s too late so I have to finish now!)

Musically I thought I’d finish with something a little different. Drum n Bass may not be everyone’s cup of tea but this track by High Contrast blends something old with something new and i think you may be pleasantly surprised, so go on, reserve judgement for 5minutes and 41 seconds while you listen to Kiss Kiss Bang Bang