well gentle reader, what interesting read do I have for you today?? A jumble of thoughts really, a lot that should probably be left over until a respectable time of the day, as opposed to 1am but if sensible were my middle name I’d most probably change it by deed poll!!
The other day I was busy chatting to a friend, I call her that although I don’t really know her and she doesn’t really know me, but what we know of each other we like, so that’s good enough for me. We chatted about various things and I mentioned that up until recently, I’ve never had any confidence in myself. Sure, plenty of people ‘like me’ but for one reason or another I’ve always assumed that was a politeness that was instilled in them by good parents. When it came to females I firmly believed I was always that ugly, boring bastard that people spoke to to humour. Plenty of people told me I was being stupid, but to me the more people said that the more I was convinced their good manners were shining through.
I mentioned to my friend that I still, to a certain extent, consider myself to be horrible and ugly and she scolded me. Whilst I realise I’m never going to be a Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt of this world, it’s true that i am ‘someones’ type. I’m not as boring/horrible/ugly as I seem to like to tell myself and once I finally get over believing it perhaps I’ll start to believe others when they compliment me. I remember my old boss Claudette telling me once as we were out for dinner and the waitress flirted with me that I should ask her out. “Don’t be so silly” I said, “How can I ask her out? she’s probably got a boyfriend!” She asked the waitress if she was single when she came to clear the table and she said she wasn’t… “There you go” said Claudette, “Why not ask her out?” I didn’t have an answer but I still didn’t ask the waitress out. Claudette then asked me had I thought about all the opportunities I probably passed up where not only had I flirted with someone else but someone else had flirted with me and I had either not noticed or had been too embarrassed/shy to do anything. “lost opportunities” she said, “lot’s of lost opportunities” and it’s only now, 13 years later I really understand what she meant.
Over the past 2-3 years I’ve seen Claudette and her partner Robert wandering around London, I’ve never gone up to her to say hello, I’m sure she’s recognised me, just as I’ve recognised her but neither of us are willing to say hello to the other. For me it’s embarrassment, when we stopped talking I was rarely sober so have no idea why we fell out, for her I know she’s too stubborn, no doubt insisting it’s me who should make the first move… I do know that if I see her again, which I no doubt will, I will be man enough to stop her and say hello, after all, what can she do? ignore me? What will i have lost??
Farewell drinks for Sharon tonight, not one of the most memorable nights I have to say. I seem to have lost any desire to get drunk lately, perhaps its an emotional thing, I’ll miss her but by the same token I fought hard to try and avoid liking her again… Why is it we do things like that?? Like someone so much that we force ourselves into believing we don’t really like the person half as much as we do? Then we end up torturing ourselves because we wish we had the gumption to say what we felt?
I asked someone out for dinner, as I guessed she said no… still, at least I asked, getting mighty sick of just chatting and chatting and getting nowhere. Who the fuck cares where Miss Right is, I’m just looking for Miss Right Now!!