So, I woke at 4am to discover I was crying. Yes, that’s right, crying as in tears rolling down my face and soaking the pillow. I’d been having a dream, as is always the way, I remember only a little of it, what I do remember is I was wrapping a present for a girl of around 6 or 7. There was a book and something else in the package, I don’t remember what exactly but it was square and reasonably thin, say a picture or a mirror in a frame. I don’t remember who the girl was but she entered the room while I was trying to wrap it and caught me by surprise and asked what I was doing and I remember saying, “Nothing” and her asking me if I was lying to her and feeling incredibly guilty because I was lying but I knew I couldn’t tell her I was wrapping a gift for her, so I lied again and said, “No, I’m not lying to you” and then after a few minutes she left and went back to wrapping the package and looking down at the wrapping paper and seeing my tears drop onto it and each tear started to dissolve the paper and I was frantically trying to stop the paper from disappearing and I couldn’t stop crying. Then I woke up and discovered I was crying in my sleep.
I wonder if dreams really mean something or if they are just dreams?
I’ve been thinking lately about my life, what I want in it and what I want from it. I’m not sure I want much. I don’t really have any great desire to be excessively wealthy, sure money would be nice but I’m not sure I want a lot. I also wondered if I could be content to have no children after spending most of my life wanting them. It often feels, both as a child and as an adult that the more I wished for something the less likelihood I had of ever achieving it. If I met a girl and went to bed fantasising of kissing her and holding her tight, you could rest assured that within the week she’d confide in me that she was crazy for one of my friends or that she had met a really great guy. Often the real killer was that the really great guy was, “just like you Marc, I know you’ll really like him” Until now I’ve never tried to explain just how heart wrenching it is to hear that and I’ve heard it more times than any person should. At times I wonder if it’s either a punishment for something I did in a past life or if it’s destined that I should suffer in this way for this lifetime on the basis that next time round I’ll get the girl, have the kids, enjoy the family holidays and generally live the life I thought I’d have now. Sometimes I think I think too much.
Can you know someone without meeting them? If you search back in this blog there is probably an entry or six which goes into detail of various people I’ve ‘known’ some in real life, some only via telephone and IM. Each time it fails to work out as it seems it might and each time I swear ‘never again’… until the next time. I often get accused of being a cynical bastard and possibly I am, but I am also the most romantically inclined cynic that walked the earth, I want to love and be loved yet my experience has shown that it’s almost impossible to expect to achieve that. Yet even now, I want to prove myself wrong but I also don’t want to get hurt again. What the fuck do I do? I wish someone had the answer to that question, just so I knew. If I found a magic lamp and a genie popped out offering three wishes, to hell with all three, just answer me that one question oh magical genie… just one little question :)