So, every now and then i get the feeling I should blog, why I don’t really know, it’s not as if my every word is hung upon by an army of avid readers and if they are I would suggest that army go forth and do some good instead of waiting for me to blog, it’s akin to watching a cacti grow!
Right, so the introduction is out of the way, lets get down to business, Why am I blogging? The simple answer is because this is my blog and that’s what bloggers do, they blog but you know me, I’m nothing if not confused. For the past month or so I’ve written the most perfect blog, in my head! I sit on the tube (actually I often stand owing to a lack of seats) and dictate to my internal dicta-phone exactly what is going to go here, the problem is I always forget to check the batteries and find that when I feel like blogging I’ve clean forgotten what it was I was going to say, or the words that come out are nothing in comparison to the ones I had drafted and re-drafted in my head, hence the void. It’s so frustrating, to know what you want to say but to find the words have gone on a 3 week long package holiday to Magaluf, to sun themselves by the pool as the waiter at their all-inclusive resort brings them their 15th mohito of the morning, an appetiser before lunch.
OK, so when do we get to the meat and bones of this blog I hear someone ask? Now! I reply, as if by magic! Let me share a few thoughts with you since the time of my last entry…
I saw the Editors play at Brixton Academy, it was truly their best performance yet, that I’ve seen, a far cry from last year when I saw them at the O2 Wireless festival where they were last minute replacements for some other band I had never heard of. The night and friendships were marred by events that happened after the gig which need no discussion here, suffice it to say I discovered my ‘old skool’ sense of decorum is not shared by those I know and however they might try and taint the truth in their recollection to others, I know why I am pissed off and they do too, things never will be the same.
Not long after the Editors I embarked, with Chris, on a 5 day long tour of Budapest, finally getting to see the capital of Hungary after many a year of ‘thinking’ about it. What can I say? It was superb, the natives were friendly beyond belief, the beer was cheap and highly drinkable, the food… oh my, the food was intense in flavour and low in price, just the way it should be! We sampled quite a few local eateries and, much to my shame, even dined in a McDonald’s where I made the classic mistake of asking for a quarter pounder only to be told they had no such thing and did I want a McRoyal instead, I was drunk and peckish, so of course I said yes!
Jolene from Melbourne visited me for just under 2 weeks, the quietest house guest I’ve ever had, not that I’ve had many house guests, but she came armed with Cherry Ripe bars so how could I fail to be anything other than impressed with her impeccable manners?!
And so, now we get to where this is all going. Have you ever experienced the feeling of wanting something so badly that you lay in bed at night, fantasising about getting just what you want and this going on for not just a day but sometimes a week or more and then the soul crushing reality that all your fantasies were just that, fantasies/illusions which were doomed from the moment you desired them?
I often thought that it was better to be a pessimist than an optimist, primarily because as a pessimist you were never disappointed when things went pear shaped, after all, that’s what you had expected wasn’t it? and if it didn’t fuck up then wasn’t it good to be proved wrong?! In the last year or so I have often considered the whole ‘be careful what you wish for’ scenario, a part of me believed the reason it all went ‘tits up’ was because that’s what I wanted, deep down my inner self wanted things to fail because that’s the role i knew in life, the disappointed one, a part I seemed born to play, second nature, blah blah blah
Then one day something happens, you don’t really remember when that day was (or at least I don’t) but gradually you come to realise that maybe you are sick of always being the one who comes last, never nice when you are the only one in the race in the first place! Sometimes, in the past, I’ve thought I met someone who proved me wrong about everything only to discover that I was wrong again and regardless of the fact that it felt that i could reveal myself to them, it wasn’t to be, either I revealed too much or I still couldn’t get my head around who/what I am so revealed too little for them to understand me.
Things seemed to change around 6 weeks ago. I met someone and it was like the lever marked ‘open’ had been discovered hiding beneath a forest of overgrown ivy. The lever was pulled and open I did and you know what? It wasn’t nearly as painful as I thought it would be. I opened up… revealed things about myself that I had always thought I should never tell a living soul about, why I don’t know, after revealing them i realised just how mundane they really where, so mundane i can’t even remember an example to relate here.
So, what does one do when someone finds a person who makes opening up so easy? OK, i can guess the ‘regular’ answer but let me throw this scenario at you… suppose the person who makes opening up so easy embarks on a year long tour of the globe a week after you meet? What do you do now? Instinctively I want to tell her that I’m so immensely happy that I met her and was allowed the opportunity of feeling ‘alive’ but that sounds too crass… I want to tell her that she left me with something she probably didn’t know she had left me with, a new found sense of worth; I want to tell her that i miss her with every ounce of energy in my being but I fear that would, quite rightly, freak her out. But it’s true, I do miss her, even tho our time together was short, way, way too short, I miss the ability to just be ‘me’ around her. Of course I have scripted a dozen or so emails to her telling her in the most prosaic of ways just how wonderful I think she is, the reality is we chatted on MSN and I said I wondered if the reason i wanted to call her so much was because i knew I couldn’t… She then wondered if that meant that if I was able to call her i wouldn’t… think before you speak, I must remember that :-p
Life in itself is not so bad, you experience what you experience through a variety of means, from the people you know, the things you you and they do and the thoughts and aspirations you have and share with others. I’m fortunate in that most of the people i care about are people with similar aims in life, to make it to the end with not too much pain and a lot of laughter. I’m sad when I encounter those whose life map i cannot travel along, life’s journey is often a weary one but i guess even sharing a few footsteps is a good thing, even if it only makes you realise the path you shouldn’t be on.
Do I feel bad for missing the one I miss? Do I fuck.