A happy ending or a broken heart? If you could skip to the end when you met someone what would you hope for? Some people reading this will say, “happy ending” without ever considering that you would want the other but I’m sure there will be some who long for the broken heart.
As always, a tune wandered thru my head which prompted this entry. A few things have been milling thru the old grey matter and I realise that this is as good a place as any to empty them out in. It’s a slightly strange feeling making an entry here as there are an increasing number of people I know reading this. I guess it was only to be expected, you make a blog, post it on your site and sooner or later people will find 10 minutes to kill and read it. At first I thought perhaps I should censor myself but then thought, why the hell should I? It’s my head and they are my thoughts so surely I can disperse of them as I see fit?
For many years I was stuck in a rut, I did and thought the same way for many years. When I met someone, particularly someone I liked, I skipped to the end in my head and only ever saw the broken hearted ending, often that was before even saying hello! I worried about what to say if I did speak with someone, constantly I was thinking, “If I say this and she says that, what will I say then?” this of course led to multiple scenarios and in the space of 5 minutes I’d talked myself out of saying anything at all.
I remember explaining this to my shrink and he asked me a simple question, “Why do you feel you need to know what to say? Why not just wait and see what happens?” It was so simple and straightforward, why hadn’t I ever thought of it? There I was for 15 years or so believing I had to ‘know’ what to say… so bloody stupid and idea but an idea I seemed to cling to like a comforter (Like that reference? It’s to make American readers feel more at home!)
And so it is today, well it was yesterday when the revelation hit me… For the past few months I’ve been busy thinking about this and that and getting my head in a right pickle when I remembered what the shrink asked me. Here I was again thinking ahead, forgetting that there may be an enjoyable journey in front of me but I was too busy skipping to the end to notice it. I sometimes miss my shrink, I miss that ability to just talk without fear of being judged. It’s hard to be completely open with friends as they are always going to be biased and no matter how much you ask them to be 100% honest, they feel they need to ‘be nice’ so only ever tell you 90% at best!
It’s all about conditioning, I have to condition my brain to stop getting ahead of itself. It’s time to enjoy the flowers that are currently blooming instead of thinking about the onset of winter and how everything will look in hibernation mode. I’m liked and I like people, that’s reason enough to be happy, is it not?
So, are you still reading? Were you wondering what the song was that I was thinking about? It was The Futureheads – Skip to the end, feel like a listen? Here it is :)