Memories, nothing more than memories…

Well, a mixed bag of thoughts today. So mixed in fact I’m not sure which ones will make this blog. Ever had one of those days when your head is filled with a few dozen thoughts and you want to think about each one as they all seem super important but you realise that as you think about one in more depth it pushes out one of the others and you get frustrated as you can’t remember which one is being pushed out, so you try and think about what one you’re losing only to find that thought is edging out another?? No?! Hmmm… must just be me then!

Two people I know have recently gotten married. I liked both of them but never really got around to telling them, well I did tell one tho it was perhaps a few weeks before she told me she was pregnant, trust me and my lousy timing, wait 2 years and pick the worst possible time to declare an interest. From there I guess I backed off, into a corner, not so much to lick my wounds, just to macro-analyse things and tell myself what a fool I was. The second I wasn’t so brave, probably because I liked her more than I was really prepared to admit to myself, which is kinda stupid as I had already agonised one time around when we first stopped speaking.  That took me around 5 or 6 months to get over but I pulled myself together and got on with living, not that I had stopped, I’d just put myself on slow-mo for a while. When she got back in touch with me after a year or so I resisted the temptation to think there was anything in it. It just went to show she was the special person I thought she was. She later got engaged and we chatted about it and she seemed to indicate that she wasn’t 100% certain it was the right thing. Aaarrgghh… why tell me that, how are you supposed to give an honest opinion when you haven’t been honest with your feelings?

So, I did what I do best, I put feelings aside and spoke as an impartial friend. I recall getting home one night a few months later, after a few drinks too many, and finding an invite to the wedding… I struggled to focus on the monitor long enough to type out an email saying, “Thanks but no thanks” before falling fast asleep, but only after I had poured myself a wine glass of port.   I was taken aback when I got an email the next day asking why but understanding if I didn’t want to explain. That caused me to check the sent items folder…Phew! I hadn’t made too much of a fool of myself but yet again I retreated into the corner. The wedding was last month.  Last week as I lay in bed trying to come to terms with the bloody cold that had taken root in my chest I scrolled through my phone’s contact list and deleted some of the people I hadn’t spoken to in years and decided also to erase those who I didn’t think I’d speak to again, she was one of them. I was more worried that I’d come home drunk one night, think about her and send her a text message… I just couldn’t trust myself to be that good a friend.  She was after all a married woman, she deserves more respect as does her husband who I don’t know but already worry about liking if I should meet him.  that was the problem with girl number one, she told me that she thought we’d get along really well because, “He’s a lot like you” 5 words a guy never wants to hear!

Imagine my surprise then when at 2am this morning I got a text message from a number not in my phone book?  Yet again she had come to the corner looking for me and yet again I felt unworthy of being able to call someone like her a friend.  How do you explain to someone just why it is you have been such a jerk?

Anyway, the other day I went to my local purveyor of quality foodstuffs and beverages to get some groceries.  You probably know it better as Tesco.  I decided a bottle of alcohol was the order of the day and after much perusing of the near empty shelves I settled upon a bottle of Southern Comfort.  I thought to myself at the time, “Shit! I can’t remember when I last had Southern Comfort?!”  Last night I opened the bottle and poured myself a glass, over ice, while I prepared dinner.  As I lifted the glass to my lips I suddenly had a flashback… 1990…Amsterdam… sitting up in bed at 7am smoking a spliff, drinking a glass of neat Southern Comfort and settling back to watch one of the numerous porn channels that didn’t even appear on the bill in the end… ahhh what fun it was to be a teenager!

That’s become a ritual whenever I go to Amsterdam, I buy some SC at duty free and the first morning I’m there I roll a spliff and fill a glass with SC and sit back and remember the first time.  I don’t bother with the porn however, as the years pass the novelty of it has faded, especially as you can get it 24/7 on the internet.  Last time I was in Amsterdam the hotel room had a jacuzzi so I took my spliff and SC to the jacuzzi and got mashed with the bubbles… Porn could never beat that experience.  You know, I really miss not smoking weed sometimes however I have vowed to make it the end of 2008 without smoking any and there’s not long to go now… just a few weeks longer… then I’ll probably forget I wanted to get high until March or something stupid like that!

Now, this entries tune comes courtesy of eMusic who I’ll probably write a separate blog about as it doesn’t gel with this one.  Suffice it to say it’s a place to download music legally. I  know, I know…I”m not sure why I’m bothering to tell you that as I know none of you like to stay on the right side of the law (if you do, why are you reading this??)  Anyway, they actually have a shit load of stuff you can download for free…aha! I see you’re interested now!  This track is one of the free ones, it comes from an album of music made by actual staff members so as you can expect, some of the tracks are good, some okay and others just the wrong side of mediocre.  This track is by a band called Verystereo and is called Completely Incomplete

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