Emptying The Void

Come Fly With MeThe brain is a funny old thing, don’t you think?  It’s capacity for storing, retrieving and processing information is quite incredible. In fact, when I stop to think about it my head hurts.  Actually, when I start thinking about most things my head hurts but do you think I can stop? Rhetorical question, don’t worry about it.

That’s primarily why I’ve neglected this place for so long. I often have things I want to write about but when I stop and start to think about them I just get so exhausted trying to unravel the thought to make something coherent to say I just give up.

My draft folder is like a graveyard of half forgotten thoughts, ideas and opinions that reading some of them I’m left scratching my head wondering, “What was I trying to say?” Today I did the only decent thing I could; I consigned them all to the deleted folder and emptied it. Out with the old and all that jazz.

Having said all that I’m now about to waffle on about an old thought that I may finally put to rest. Why is it so hard to let go?  Not of things but people and memories of them, actually that does include things now that I stop to think about it.

It’s a fact of life, sadly, that people drift in and out of our lives; some for good, others drop in and out over the years but I personally find it hard to accept it of the ones I particularly care about and over the years I’ve tried to figure why that is and despite hours (days, weeks, months) of therapy I’m still none the wiser. I’m sure it’s in my brain somewhere but try as I might I can’t find the post-it note with the answer.

What I do know is that this inability to let go holds me back and that’s the most annoying thing; I know the problem, I know what can cure the problem but I seem to be caught in a perpetual cycle of being unable to administer the medicine. Well actually, if I had the medicine I would take it but the only medicine I can think of is owned by Lacuna Inc.

With all that said, is it such a bad thing to hold on to memories of people who make you happy? I know I said it holds me back, only in the sense that I think about them often or I’ll browse one of the many unsorted folders of photos littering the network and come across a photo taken 10 years ago and suddenly find myself laughing as I recall the time it was taken. Why would you want to forget about moments like that?

I have got better. This year for instance I decided to stop sending birthday cards to someone I haven’t heard from in a few years. It felt strange and wrong but ultimately I know it’s for the best, or so I keep telling myself. It doesn’t stop me thinking of them though … and so the loop continues.

A circle is round it has no end, that’s how long I want to be your friend.

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