Well, it’s suddenly Sunday again. I wonder often where the time goes, sometimes I wish it would all end now as I don’t really know what the future holds. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not wishing I were dead or for the world to suddenly combust, well… maybe I am actually?! I’m just tired… tired of days merging into weeks, into months, into years and nothing ever seeming to change.
When I was 15 I thought I had it all figured out, by the time I reached 30 I’d be enjoying 2 holidays a year with my wife and we’d have at least one child with plans for more. By the time I was 25 I realised that perhaps that wasn’t going to happen as I seemed to be on a road of refusing to date. When I reached 30 I started to wonder if I would ever experience the thrill of raising my own kids. Of course by that stage I was more than aware that it was very possible that when (if?) I settle down, I may not have kids of my own as my partner may already have children and desire no more. I don’t think that would bother me too much tho I’d hope that there were more than one child… I’m really not sure an only child is good, either for the child or for it’s parents. As the years drift on i wonder still if the whole settling down thing is ever going to happen. Some people have no desire to settle down, for them the thought of kids and partners holds no appeal but for me it does. The more I hear of friends having children the more I ponder just where did I go wrong. I’m the one who always wanted kids and yet I have so far managed to avoid getting involved with anyone, thus restricting the chance of fatherhood. I also get sick of people telling me that it’s, “OK, you’re a guy! you can have kids at any age!” well, as much as that’s true, i have no desire to be fathering children when I’m in my 50’s, i want to be able to enjoy fatherhood and that means not being some decrepit old fool who lacks the breath to play games with the kids when they are still at an age to not find their parents too embarrassing!
So, what brought about this blog? I was discussing with a friend the sadness I’m feeling right now because I miss having someone to kiss! Just that simple pleasure, often under-rated but so very enjoyable an act. I just don’t envisage kissing anyone I know right now and that thought makes me sad. It’s been a long time since I enjoyed the pleasure of a slow and burning embrace.
In other news, I’m on yet another IT course and quietly dreading it as i seem to be incapable of taking everything in, perhaps it’s age, perhaps it’s too many years of booze, perhaps it’s too many drugs, perhaps I’m just stoopid?! Whatever the reason, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, i just didn’t expect it to be this hard! Quite possibly i should have aimed at getting a job that was more ‘hands on’ IT so that the stuff I’m learning wasn’t so new to me!
I went out on Friday night with Lucia and Daniel Anthony to the Tabernacle, it was a good night albeit a little on the quiet side. Dominique was there with her new man and I met a couple of new people, including Lorraine who had a great many stories to tell. The night got a little messy and I awoke at 1pm on Dan’s sofa, it was a beautiful day and the journey home was one of those journeys that just seemed so perfect, it was just a shame to come home to an empty house.
Oh well, time for bed. To all you silent readers out there, thanks for your time :)