Halfway There

Halfway where? I hear you ask (in my head at least) and the truth is, I have no idea. I also have no idea if I’m actually halfway there anyway, hell I don’t even know if I’ve started the journey. The journey to where ever it is people journey to when they have never had any idea of where they want to get to.

When I was younger I knew I had to get somewhere, somewhere other than where I was. Now? Now I have moments when I feel I have no desire to go anywhere at all, sometimes not even out of bed. On those occasions I find myself asking that age-old question, What the fuck am I doing with my life? I always answer the same way, I have no fucking idea! Then I ask myself What do you want to do? to which, again, I find myself answering in the same way, I have no fucking idea!

Several years ago I figured out that the chances of me falling in love without fucking it up were slim but, like the eternal optimist, I still hold out hopes that I’ll manage it, despite my vocal protestations to myself to the contrary. I have no idea why the desire for a human connection, bond – call it what you will – is so strong. Certainly stronger than any other drug that I’ve tried, and I’ve tried a few.

Maybe that’s just it, love (I’ll call it love but it’s more than that) is really just another mind altering drug and once we’ve had a hit and experienced the multi-levels of pleasure it can deliver we find ourselves craving the sensation again but seldom seem to find it as fulfilling as the time before so we keep looking.

Well, some of us do. Those I tend to think of as lucky somehow find a dealer who has the top shelf quality elixir that guarantees that clean and pure high time after time after time. For others, I’ll call them unlucky, they either search continuously, trying everything/one that might possibly transport them to that higher plane of bliss or they just give up looking, resigned to the idea that they had chance and won’t get back there again. Most days I wonder if I’ve ever really had that high at all.

Wait a minute though, is love the final destination? Is that where we are supposed to end up? I’m not sure I buy that but then again I wonder, What else is there? Work all your days and sometimes nights too in the hope that you’ll be rewarded with a promotion, a sliver more money so you can buy nicer things and show off your fancy new, meaningless, job title on your business card that hardly anyone bothers to look at after you’ve given it to them?

No, I say (to myself), There’s got to be more to it than that!?, I say, again, to myself. But what? You guessed it, that’s me asking myself another question which I answer, I have no fucking idea!

If there’s one thing I’ve realised in writing this piece it’s that I talk to myself far too much and you’ll probably agree I need to start asking myself some new questions, just don’t ask me what they might be just yet because I’m sure you can predict the answer!

Perhaps that’s where I’m halfway to? Halfway to understanding that I’ve been asking myself the wrong questions all these years or at least answering them in the most ineffective way possible.

Do you find yourself asking the same questions over and over again? Do you also find yourself answering them same way? Perhaps you switched things up a bit, either with the question or the answer? Either way, leave me a comment, tell me about it.

If what I’ve said is alien to you, tell me what virtual reality game you think I should buy for the PS4 because I could do with an escape from this one!

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