Even the bad seems good…

So gentle readers, it’s Saturday (or at least it’s Saturday here as I type this) and what have you accomplished? perhaps you didn’t set out to accomplish anything other than sleep off the hangover you picked up last night knowing that you didn’t have to go to work until Tuesday (assuming of course you have a bank holiday like we do here in the UK)

Well, I accomplished a few things I’d set out to do. I didn’t sleep as late as i wanted to. I’ve been watching Prison Break after a few people told me it was a good series and as I don’t watch TV I figured it’s about time I saw for myself at least one of the programmes I get told about. It’s really quite addictive, not helped by me downloading episodes 1-19 and therefore being able to watch one after the other without the usual 7 day wait! Last night I stayed up till 2am and finished episode 12. I thought, foolishly, that I’d sleep till around noon but as it happened I couldn’t keep myself in bed much after 10am. Did a few loads of laundry, answered some emails, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom floors and generally had a bit of a clean-fest before having a shower and making lunch.

I’m still going through this ‘where is my life taking me’ period. Went out on Thursday night with Chris to see Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. It was a superb gig. Although the Watson girls are twins, one of them (the shorter of the two) reminded me so much of Yvonne Bailey, a girl I went to school with who I had a bit of a crush on. Sometimes it feels that almost 20 years on I’m still thinking about girls I once knew and wondering ‘what if’ Actually with Yvonne there was no ‘what if’ she knew I fancied her and she wasn’t interested but school days were fun with me flirting with her knowing she was never going to say yes. I guess I just wonder what happened with her and her life.

I’ve managed to lead a pretty busy/eventful life since leaving Glasgow but nevertheless i wonder what life would be like if I had made a few changes along the way. I still have this ‘hang up’ when it comes to casual sex, I just don’t like it and have spent most of the past 10-15yrs avoiding it. Other than a dalliance with Julia from Manchester in October last year it’s been almost 4yrs since I ‘got my end away’ Sometimes even I wonder what is going on in my head as i turn down offers of sex with girls who I find attractive… It’s almost as if I’ve spent so long doing without that I seem, subconsciously at least, to believe that the person i say yes to should be worth it… but I have no idea how to tell the worth so I just seem to just walking this lonely road and believe me, it is lonely.

Most of my life I’ve been content to walk alone and to all extents and purposes I don’t mind but I do have this nagging fear that as i lie on my deathbed (Yes, i assume I’ll die in bed) I’ll spend my final moments wondering why it is I’m there alone with perhaps a nurse waiting to reclaim the hi-tech gadgetry that is stuck in my veins.

the thing is… after so many years alone, how do you even begin to open up when you have such a fear of being hurt by those you let in?

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