Be careful what you wish for…

You’ve probably heard that expression a million times. OK, perhaps not a million but enough times for it to have stuck in your head. I was watching the latest episode of House last night and it struck me how much I feel I can relate to the character Hugh Lawrie plays, Dr Gregory House. Right, now before anyone asks, I am not a doctor so it’s not an identical match but we are both arrogant, cantankerous, pedants; not that House would ever admit it and we are both loners to a certain extent. During the series you know that House does not want to be alone but he pretends to himself and others that he is alone through choice. Obviously the story line dictates that there has to be the occasional love interest but you also know that if House were to meet a woman willing to put up with him, he would change as a character and change would probably lose viewers which means also a reduction in advertising sponsorship which means it will never happen. House is alone because that’s what people want him to be.

As I lay in bed last night it struck me that I’ve been alone for more of my life than I’ve ever been with anyone, family included. I left home shortly after I turned 17 and this year I will be 37, in those 20 years I’ve never lived with a partner and I’ve been in a ‘relationship‘ for perhaps 12 of those 240 months. It’s a situation I never envisaged. When I was 15 I pictured myself settled at 30 with at least one child, a partner I loved who loved me and the usual trappings of life i.e. mortgage, car and 2 weeks in the sun every summer.

Somewhere along the line it didn’t quite go to plan. I want yet I don’t want. Life feels empty alone, I don’t care what people say about life being fulfilling as a single person, for myself, that contentment only lasts for so long. When I spoke to a friend about this she said, “We look for temporary solutions to fill the void but know it’s not right.” The problem for me is I always felt that the uncertainty of ‘filling’ the void with the ‘wrong’ person scared the shit out of me so rather than settle for a temporary solution I chose to stay single and alone, waiting for that ‘someone’ to come along. The problem is that 20 years have passed me by and I’m starting to forget who it is I’m waiting for!

As I drifted off to sleep my mind raced with thoughts of all those girls I knew before. Girls I could have easily fallen in love with but I never allowed myself to get that far. Some of those girls I still know, most probably have no idea I ever had feelings for them. I remember years ago a girl I was very taken with telling me when I did eventually tell her I liked her as more than a friend that she had no idea I ever felt like that.

Anyway… it’s Friday, it’s the weekend.. let’s all go crazy and what better way to ‘get in the mood’ than with a song? Boys and Girls I give you Incubus and Zee Deveel

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